About a year ago it occurred to me that not only had I not been in a relationship for a few years, I hadn’t been on a halfway decent date in a few years. I couldn’t shake the image of Neo right after he is released from the Matrix. He lies motionless on a table because he’s never moved his muscles before. My fear was that I was on the way to becoming relationally atrophied.
I set up profiles on a few dating websites, paid the outrageous fees, and dove in. Since then I have been on dozens of first dates, a decreasing number of second dates and even less good dates.
Hopefully, I’m a good date. I pick a fun place, ask her a lot of questions about herself, and even pay. I’ve found that some girls know how to be a good date, and some girls don’t. If you’re a bad date, I’ll do my best to be respectful and get through it. If you are a good date, you’ll have the chance for another free meal soon.
It’s shocking to me how so many people can be such bad dates. It really just boils down to look nice, act nice, be interesting and be clear. Doing these four things doesn’t guarantee you’ll hit it off, but you up your chances.
1. Look Nice. Let me be clear: I’m NOT saying you have to look hot, or stress out about getting ready. Do the little bit of work it takes to bring attention to your best features. I went out with one girl whose best feature was amazing, thick blonde hair. Her hair looked great, so I didn’t even think about the fact that she was in jeans and a t-shirt. I went out with another a girl was pretty disheveled. Maybe that’s some Austin hipster value of hers, but it came off as not trying.
2. Act Nice. There’s a lot of work before the date. There are hours spent building a perfect profile, and weeks of correspondence before you go out. Yet you can sabotage it all by being a jerk. One way to be a jerk is to show up late. Another way is to cut things abruptly short without explanation. If this a blind or online date you can wreck a date by being overly flirtatious. More than anything, just be present. Put your brain and phone on airplane mode. Whatever you do, don’t start using your budding psychotherapy skills to diagnose my problems. (We’ll save that for a future worst dates ever post.)
3. Be Interesting. Being interesting doesn’t mean that you’ve traveled the world to steal statues from ancient burial grounds. (Although if you have done that, I would happily buy you dinner.) Interesting people are reasonably self confident and can tell about their lives in a meaningful way. Rather than talking about hating your job or why how your family is such a mess, tell a story that captures those experiences.
BEWARE talking about your job. You spend 40+ hours a week there, so I’m sure it is interesting to you, but I don’t know what you’re talking about. Stay positive. My first ever online date wrecked it by spending the whole time talking about things she hated.
More than anything, interesting people are also interested. One girl I went out with had a fascinating story about an unorthodox way that her and her family travel and do life. But she didn’t ask anything about me. Occasionally, I would try to interject with a similar story about myself. This simply gave her time to catch her breath and keep talking about herself.
4. Be Clear. Us guys are really dense. If you’re interested, flirt a little and make it clear you want to go out again. If you’re not, make that clear, too. Yes it’s awkward, but not nearly as much as blowing a guy off when he tries to follow up.
Just being a good date doesn’t guarantee a successful date. But I can promise you that if you’re not a good date, you’ll never have a successful date.
What would you add? What, in your experience, makes for a good date?
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