Archives For depression

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Wednesday Spotlight: Epic Fail Pastor’s Conference

Chris —  March 27, 2013 — Leave a comment

A few years back my friend J.R. Briggs had the dream of creating a space for “gutsy, hopeful, courageous and vulnerable for pastors to let go of the burden to be a Super Pastor?”  He asked questions like:

  • What if we could hold an event that was free from the thrills and frills of other pastors conferences?
  • What if we came together as epic failures instead of how-tos?
  • What if we were reminded that we’re not responsible for being ‘successful’ in ministry?
  • What if we had a conference that was led not by household names, but by scandalously ordinary ministers and leaders?

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If you are a church leader you need this.  You need a space to be yourself, and hear from others in your situation.  If you are in the Chicagoland area, mark your calendar for a road trip to Northern Seminary on April 26-27.  If not drop J.R. a line.  He might bring Epic Fail to your neighborhood.  If that won’t work, he is also available as a personal coach.

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The figure calling to me all those years was, I believe, what Thomas Merton calls “true self.” This is not the ego self that wants to inflate us (or deflate us, another from of self-distortion), not the intellectual self that wants to hover above the mess of life in clear but ungrounded ideas, not the ethical self that wants to live by some abstract moral code. It is the self-planted in us by the God who made us in God’s own image– the self that wants nothing more, or less, than for us to be who we were created to be.

True self is a true friend. One ignores or rejects such friendship only at one’s peril.

Parker Palmer: The True Self is a True Friend

Posted by Chris on March 26, 2013 In God, Growth, Life , , , ,
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7 Things I’m Thankful For: Isolation

Chris —  November 25, 2011 — Leave a comment

Isolation is a term coined by the late Fuller Professor Robert Clinton.  It refers to an experience where a leader is removed from a number of things, such as their position of leadership, a sense of God’s presence, a knowledge of calling or direction.  Isolation can be chosen, like taking a sabbatical or returning to seminary.  It can also be forced on you, like a health problem, imprisonment or getting fired.  It can last for weeks, or for years.

My major Isolation experience began when my position on a staff at a megachurch in San Antonio ended.  I was out of work for over six months.  I was unable to find a suitable ministry position, and eventually ended up in retail.  I went from having a place of positional leadership and what seemed like a career track to being alone, with no sense of direction and very little hope.

In studying Isolation as part of the MAGL, I read something from Dr. Clinton that basically went like this:

“Don’t try to be finished with your Isolation until you’ve gotten everything out of it that God wants you to get out of it.”

This floored me, because for two years, I’ve been trying to be getting out Isolation.  Unable to find direction, I tried to dive further into spiritual practices.  When I felt adrift in depression, I sought to distract myself, and eventually got into counseling to “fix it.”  I’ve had to learn what it is to do ministry when it’s not my job.  Worst of all, my sense of failure and lack of direction left me unable to even answer the question “what do you want to do?”

But this comment about “getting everything out of Isolation” forced me to reevaluate why I was in such a hurry.  If the perfect opportunity fell in my lap tomorrow, would I know what to do with it?  Am I mature enough to keep from repeating the mistakes I’ve made in the past?  Am I even the kind of person who should be trusted with leadership?

For the first time in almost three years, I am beginning to sense some “movement.”  It may be that some new opportunities are on the horizon.  But what’s the rush?  Maybe I still have something to learn from Isolation.

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Life is Good.

Chris —  October 3, 2011 — Leave a comment

Life is Good.

It’s true that life is tough. And when you realize that it’s tough, it gets a little better. It’s hard not to get lost in the darkness. Suffering is immediate rich and important in a way that our small daily joys pale against.

Which is why it is essential to remember that life is good.

As I was leaving the Emmanuel Orphanage in Delhi, Lakshmi, a six year old girl with piercing blue eyes clung to me and cried “Uncle, Uncle!” She, and all those around hre had been abandoned and persecuted their entire young lives, but they still knew how to love deeply, in a way I struggle to remember. Life is good.

I know a guy who begrudgingly gave the keys of his car to a single mom he barely knew for two weeks. They are good friends now.  Life is good.

A friend of mine has often thought that the only way he could ever get a “good girl.” He felt like the only ones interested had different values and would treat him poorly. Then he met a girl, and has been attached to her at the hip ever since. Seeing them together is life seeing something that was always meant to be. Life is good.

Another friend of mine went to a foreign country to work with an NGO. His work was interupted when his teammates were captured, and he had to spend to next few months there negotiating their release.  As heartwrenching as that was, he also sees it as the most important thing he has ever done. He took a furlough to recover, and is returning calmer, closer to God, and more excited about discipleship than ever. Life is good.

I get depressed sometimes. This summer was one of those. In the midst of that, I got a small, unexpected gift that helped shake me out of my myopic viewpoint. Life is good.

The scriptures teach when God created the world he called it good. When he created man, he called man really good. Then, sin wrecked all of that. Twisted and misshapen, like a fun house or a computer photobooth. But when we look behind the brokenness, we get to see that there is a heart wrenching beauty to it all.

The scriptures teach that this is not the way it was meant to be. Life is meant to be good. God has restored, is restoring and eventually will restore in full.

In time, the heartwrench will be over, and all we will see is that Life is Good.

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The Kindle Story

Chris —  September 19, 2011 — Leave a comment

I have always read a lot of books.  I love having books around and talking about books.  I think that bookshelves are the best way to decorate a house.  So the idea of digital books didn’t used to be too appealing to me.  However, during my trip to Fuller, I was embarrassed to see so many people carrying iPads and Kindles, while I had a second suitcase full of books.  This was compounded by a 200 page , two column PDF that I had to read on my Macbook.  Partially joking and partially exasperated I tweeted:

This has been a tough summer.  In many ways, I feel like God has put me on hold.  I’ve been waiting a long time for a lot of things, trying to be faithful with what I do have.  But living in between is tough, and it’s worn me down.

The question that comes to mind is “why isn’t God working in my life?”  I hear stories of  God providing in emergencies, providing opportunities for vocation, or providing little things.  It would be a lie to say that God has never worked in my life this way, but it feels like it’s been a long time.

Last Sunday I was handed a box that had been shipped to an old residence.  I wasn’t expecting anything, much less the 1/2 lb. e-ink masterpiece I had been pining for.  Shocked, I raced home and dug through my receipts just to make sure I had not accidentally bought it.  Nothing.  I tore apart the box for a shipping form, and saw my address and a short line that said:

#alwaysask

I’ve spent the last week attached to the little gizmo.  A co-worker saw me smiling and said: “You look like you’ve got a new girlfriend.”  I’ve devoured two books already.

It hasn’t fixed any of the problems that have got me down.  But it is a reminder that God is out there, he listens, and other people do, too.  I may have some complaints, but I have a good life.  While I may still be on hold with God, I feel like he’s letting me know that he hasn’t gone anywhere.  He cares.  He wants to take care of me.  Maybe he’s just waiting for me to let him.

#alwaysask

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