By: brettfish

brettfish — Wed, 18 Jun 2014 21:21:30 +0000

I more recently wrote this piece as a guy trying to define ‘rape culture’ which a lot of people seem to be confused about and a lot of men have strong reactions to without taking time to listen and try understand: http://brettfish.wordpress.com/2014/06/12/im-not-sure-youre-against-that-thing-you-think-youre-against-rape-culture

and then there was this lament which was a more from-the-heart response to how this #YesAllWomen story affects each one of us: http://brettfish.wordpress.com/2014/06/03/yesallwomen-a-lament

Strength and love
brett fish

By: JessamynP

JessamynP — Wed, 28 May 2014 15:46:42 +0000

Dear Chris,
I highly respect that you a) just listened, b) recognized that this is everyone’s problem to solve, and c) are asking how to solve it. I cannot answer any of your questions about the church and this issue specifically because I just don’t know. Perhaps reviewing how religion is taught differently between the genders (*shudders* remembering nuns in CCD classes telling me “women bleed as perpetual punishment for Eve’s sin”). What I can do is offer some guidance in everyday interactions that may inspire you. Please bear with me while I tell you this story. An actually true story and almost ironic in timing…
Thursday before the tragedy in IV, I was waiting for the tram. It was 9:30am and I was on my way to a meeting dressed in a business suit. (I thin #yesallwomen has demonstrated what we wear should not matter but 30 yrs of social conditioning makes this a required preemptive to the “well, what were you wearing” question often asked). An older man was walking down the sidewalk where I was standing so I backed up a few steps to allow him room to pass and maintain respectable (aka safe) body space. As he passed me, he reached out his hand and ran it across my pubic area. I was instantly shocked and horrified. I have lived in cities all my life and learned to be guarded and wary as a “natural” part of life. But this old, harmless looking man had caught me completely unawares because I didn’t recognize him as a threat. By the time I collected my sense enough to react, he was gone.
This recounting is meant only to give context.
I called my husband at work to tell him what happened, how upset and frightened I was, and to get some reassurance from someone I love and trust. I finished the story by saying I didn’t want to go to my meeting because I was too upset (knowing that I still had to attend but that was how I ‘felt’ at the moment). My husband’s first words were, “oh, baby. I’m sorry. Don’t let one man ruin your day.”
In a few simple words, which my rational mind knows were meant as comfort and a pull yourself together statement, I instead felt the significance of the situation was glossed over and dismissed. For me, the violation by a total stranger of my private property, ie my body, was extremely and irrevocably jarring to my sense of personal safety. This goes a bit beyond a nasty salesperson or argument with a coworker ruining the day. Later that evening I tried to explain why I did not feel safe, how this changes perspective when out on the street alone not just at night when everyone knows they need to take precautions but in broad daylight with many other people around. I know my husband tried to empathize but just really couldn’t quite get it. I also know this is often the reaction of even the best and most supportive men.
After the tragedy in CA and the outpouring of women on Twitter which my husband read many of the tweets, on Sunday he looked at me and said “I had no idea that this is life for so many women.” The realization had set in that this is a problem. Then, after a lot of apologies for his reaction to me on Thursday, he started recounting all the times he stood by and said nothing while women were demeaned, either to their face or behind their backs. And he started apologizing again. But I am a woman of action, not eternal penance, so I asked him stop apologizing and instead what he could do do erase this remorse?
So in answer to your questions, I offer you his self-delineated action plan: To Have Courage.
To have the courage to intervene when he sees a woman being harassed in public.
To have the courage to call out his companions when they say hateful, derogatory, demeaning, or derogatory things to or about women.
To have the courage to try to recognize when he is being dismissive or demeaning to the women in his life at and strive to do better.
To have the courage to be the voice for those of us who’s voices are sometimes ignored, dismissed, or drowned out
To have the courage to lead the change that he wants to see in his community through his actions and words.
If you ask me, he’s the most courageous man I know.

By: brettfish

brettfish — Tue, 27 May 2014 22:20:29 +0000

Thanks Chris, so great to see another man voice chiming in on this, and from a place of humility as well – think that is a great start in and of itself – just taking time to listen and really hear and i like how you framed this piece in terms of a call to education – posted a tweet earlier today about the idea that this conversation needs to be led by women but very much cheered on ad followed by men. We need to help draw attention to the issues and get out men friends to just be quiet for a second and hear the pain and the stories and the fact that ‘normal is not okay’ – we won’t fully ‘get’ it even though i get a large part of it because my wife has been stalked on the street or been catcalled every day when walking alone to her office four block away from our home when we were in Philly and having to ‘text when you are safely home’ and all of that kind of stuff we never have to do.

So well done on listening and writing and asking and I look forward to hearing/reading the responses you get to your questions.

love brett fish

p.s. mine was more an attention-drawing post to hopefully get this in front of more peoples eyes but yours has helped take it to the next stage: http://brettfish.wordpress.com/2014/05/25/yesallmen-should-really-pay-attention-to-yesallwomen

Comments on: You Have Our Attention #YesAllWomen. Please Teach Us How to Be Better.

By: brettfish

By: JessamynP

By: brettfish