One secular psychologist, when trying to explain the churchy culture of America, postulated that the sole reason churches exist is to help married couples remain faithful to each other.  As a follower of Christ, I know that the church is more than that.  However, I can see why he would say such a thing.

If Missio Alliance made Valentine’s Day Cards. Please give to your friends on Valentines Day. (via missioalliance.org)

The fact is that yes, Genesis teaches that it is not good for people to be alone.  But we have to remember that Jesus was single, and Paul even thought it was preferable.  It’s hard to imagine that a St. Francis or Mother Theresa could have had the impact they did as a married person.  So, how can the church better serve it’s singles?

1.  Stop the incessant marriage talk.  When preparing for a sermon, a friend of mine asked me if it was difficult because I didn’t have any kids to tell illustrations about.  I told him emphatically “no!”  I love kids.  I love hearing stories about kids and marriage and courtship.  But these illustrations do not ring true with everyone.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t find them offensive, I just think we need to be sure that over time, we speak to the whole audience.

2.  Give singles a mission.  Rather than viewing singleness as a pre-marital state, I wish more churches viewed them as their best source of missionaries.  Married Christians rightly spend time and energy raising a family.  Single Christians have a unique flexibility that the church can use to the glory of God.  I knew one young lady who devoted two nights a week for SEVEN years to teaching the same group of teenage girls the Bible.  On her other nights she hosted a singles small group and led the interior design for a new building project.  It’s great that she took the initiative and did this on her own, but most of us don’t know how.  Singles, especially 20 and 30-somethings, have time and money to spare.  Undirected, these will be spent on Happy Hours, fancy clothes and concerts.  Churches need to create opportunities to serve that engage singles together in God’s mission.

3.  Be our families.  In today’s America, we move every 3-5 years.  The support system of an extended family is limited to phone calls and holidays.  Although they might not admit it, many singles are dreadfully lonely.  One of the biggest blessings of my life are the families I’ve met along my way. They have brought me into their homes and treat me as one of their own.  Jesus promised that those who sacrificed “house, brothers, sisters, mother, father, children” would get them all back.  Churches need to be the place where that happens.

4.  Teach us how to be chaste.  When I was a teenager in the 90s and everyone was freaking out about “babies having babies”, the church tried to bribe us to keep our pants on.  We were told that true love waits and given virginity rings.  With the percentage of singles having sex inside and outside the church, this carrot/stick philosophy can be deemed a failure.  It has often been remarked that the only new virtue Christianity brought into the world is chastity.  There is nothing more normal than human beings having lots of sex.  The Christian virtue of chastity, of devoting that energy to the kingdom of God is something unique and countercultural. Rather than making singles feel guilty about their sexuality, chastity, and the hard work that comes with it, should be treated with the same value as marriage.

5.  Help us build community.  Tim Keller once said that chastity is impossible outside of deep community.  God has built us with a deep need for connection, companionship and community.  If one does not get this through marriage, it is impossible to fault them for finding connection through sex.  The Catholic orders have always known this, bringing together men and women to live as a community under a rule of life.  Churches need to explore innovative ways for singles to live together, eat together, serve together and play together.

6.  Teach us how to commit.  Singles in their 20s and 30s are the generation raised by divorce.  Even for the lucky ones like me whose parents stayed together, it’s impossible to escape.  This has led to a cultural inability to commit at epidemic levels.  In past generations, where you were married to your high school sweetheart and worked at the same company for 40 years, commitment was the norm.  Today, we can’t commit to relationships or jobs or cities or churches.  The saddest evidence of this is the number of “starter marriages,” which seem to be over and done with before hitting 30.  We need lessons on what commitment is, what to commit to, and the advantages to commitment.  We need small things to practice committing to and big things to experience it.  Many of us want to be married, but we’re doomed if we go into with the tools our culture has given us.

7.  Help us get married.  Singles ministries get a bad rap for being “meat markets.”  The place where Christians who didn’t meet that special someone in college put on their high heels and study the book of Ruth.  There’s nothing quite like watching the dudes swoop in on the new girl at church like sharks on blood.  But the fact is, if you want to meet someone who loves Jesus and loves his church, you probably aren’t going to find them in a bar.  The key to avoiding this meat market scene is found in #1-6.  A little structure avoids a ton of problems.  Rather than letting Sunday morning Bible study replace Saturday night bar hopping, put us to work, side by side. We’ll learn to serve the Lord, and get to know each other at the same time.

What would you add? What to you wish churches did for single Christians?

The post 7 Things Singles Need from the Church (A Valentines Post) appeared first on Chris Morton.

About a year ago it occurred to me that not only had I not been in a relationship for a few years, I hadn’t been on a halfway decent date in a few years.  I couldn’t shake the image of Neo right after he is released from the Matrix.  He lies motionless on a table because he’s never moved his muscles before.  My fear was that I was on the way to becoming relationally atrophied.

I set up profiles on a few dating websites, paid the outrageous fees, and dove in.  Since then I have been on dozens of first dates, a decreasing number of second dates and even less good dates.

Hopefully, I’m a good date.  I pick a fun place, ask her a lot of questions about herself, and even pay. I’ve found that some girls know how to be a good date, and some girls don’t.  If you’re a bad date, I’ll do my best to be respectful and get through it.  If you are a good date, you’ll have the chance for another free meal soon.

It’s shocking to me how so many people can be such bad dates.  It really just boils down to look nice, act nice, be interesting and be clear. Doing these four things doesn’t guarantee you’ll hit it off, but you up your chances.

1.  Look Nice. Let me be clear: I’m NOT saying you have to look hot, or stress out about getting ready.  Do the little bit of work it takes to bring attention to your best features.  I went out with one girl whose best feature was amazing, thick blonde hair.  Her hair looked great, so I didn’t even think about the fact that she was in jeans and a t-shirt.  I went out with another a girl was pretty disheveled.  Maybe that’s some Austin hipster value of hers, but it came off as not trying.

2.  Act Nice. There’s a lot of work before the date.  There are hours spent building a perfect profile, and  weeks of correspondence before you go out.  Yet you can sabotage it all by being a jerk.  One way to be a jerk is to show up late.  Another way is to cut things abruptly short without explanation.  If this a blind or online date you can wreck a date by being overly flirtatious.  More than anything, just be present.  Put your brain and phone on airplane mode. Whatever you do, don’t start using your budding psychotherapy skills to diagnose my problems.  (We’ll save that for a future worst dates ever post.)

3.  Be Interesting.  Being interesting doesn’t mean that you’ve traveled the world to steal statues from ancient burial grounds. (Although if you have done that, I would happily buy you dinner.)  Interesting people are reasonably self confident and can tell about their lives in a meaningful way.  Rather than talking about hating your job or why how your family is such a mess, tell a story that captures those experiences.

BEWARE talking about your job.  You spend 40+ hours a week there, so I’m sure it is interesting to you, but I don’t know what you’re talking about.  Stay positive.  My first ever online date wrecked it by spending the whole time talking about things she hated.

More than anything, interesting people are also interested. One girl I went out with had a fascinating story about an unorthodox way that her and her family travel and do life. But she didn’t ask anything about me.  Occasionally, I would try to interject with a similar story about myself.  This simply gave her time to catch her breath and keep talking about herself.

4. Be Clear.  Us guys are really dense.  If you’re interested, flirt a little and make it clear you want to go out again.  If you’re not, make that clear, too.  Yes it’s awkward, but not nearly as much as blowing a guy off when he tries to follow up.

Just being a good date doesn’t guarantee a successful date.  But I can promise you that if you’re not a good date, you’ll never have a successful date.

What would you add?  What, in your experience, makes for a good date?

The post How to Be a Good Date appeared first on Chris Morton.

1.  It forces you to be specific.  What do you want?  Why?  What does that really look like?  What are your deal breakers?  Imagine how many doomed-from-the-beginning relationships you could have avoided by answering a few questions.

2.  You learn to tell your story. Likewise, it’s important to quickly communicate what’s important to you.  Don’t share everything.  The worst dates I’ve been on is when a girl shared with her whole life story, including habits and mistakes that are less than appealing.  Let that come up in time.

3.  It’s like looking in the mirror.  Every time you present yourself to someone else, you get a glimpse of what they see.  I don’t come across nearly as self confident or merciful as I’d like.  I tend to get bogged down in painfully deep conversation.  I’d probably have more second dates if I loosened up on the first.

And a few tips for anyone that’s interested in giving it a try:

1.  Be honest. You might be able to hide your height or weight online, but not when you meet face to face.  Present yourself, both in pictures and description confidently, but not misleading.  Talk about what you really do and really love. There’s nothing worse than being stuck with the check after an evening with a person who was completely different than they presented themselves.

2.  Have low expectations.  When I started a friend warned me against it.  She was afraid the sheer numbers could be depressing.  Whereas in real life, you might get blown off, flaked out on, or have a disappointing encounter once every few months, this process means you might have those painful experiences a few times a week.  You can’t let it get you down.

3.  Don’t let it replace having a life.  I’m happy for those people that met the perfect someone on-line, but I’m not one of them.  Use the web as a tool to supplement your social life, not replace it.  People have been successfully meeting without profiles for thousands of years.  Plus, interesting stories and hobbies are required for a good profile or face to face conversation.

4.  Don’t do it if you don’t have room.  If you’re too busy, too caught up in your own drama, or just have a life too full of friends or family for a significant other, don’t waste someone else’s time.  Wait to seek a relationship until you want one, and are willing to make the sacrifices necessary to bring someone else into your life.

The post Things I’m Thankful For: 7 Tips From Online Dating appeared first on Chris Morton.