Archives For Relationships

Life is Tough.

Chris —  August 12, 2011

One time I moved across the country for something that didn’t pan out.  Another time I threw myself into developing a community that never knew how to welcome me.  Those were dark days.

A friend’s husband just passed and left her with a baby.  Another friend is suffering multiple miscarriages.  Another friend was denied an interview for a job they deserve.

Some friends of mine back in Denver spend every day with homeless teenagers. Everyday with heroine addicts and drug dealers and occassionally, murderers.  Two families I know are waiting for years to adopt while the kids they love are stranded thousands of miles away.

The kids I met at Emmanuel orphanage in Delhi are sleeping three to a bed in 110º.  If things go well, they might get some chicken this week.

One guy I know is losing the battle to control both his mind and body.   Another just got dumped…again.  Another buried both parents the year he graduated high school.

Life is really tough.

To be honest with you, mine feels pretty rough right now. But not as tough as many I know.

Although I am often depressed and even despair, it hasn’t shaken a few basic hopes.  They are:

1.  This world is not all.  Even when science explains how everything works, it will never answer “why?”  The very fact that there is an unanswerable why question is all the proof I need to know that this world is not all.

2.  We humans refuse to except a reality with no justice.  Hindus count on Karma. Atheist fight against oppresive religion. Christians are holding out for a new heaven and new earth, and if necessary, a hell.

3.  If there is more to this world, and there is justice, then there is a point to my story.  To our stories.  This is all going somewhere.

But none of this changes the fact that, in the meantime, life if tough.

So today, be kind to those you see.  Chances are, they’re going through a lot.

And if you hope in Christ remember that

” In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

In God, Life , , , , , , ,
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How to Be a Good Date

Chris —  July 13, 2011

About a year ago it occurred to me that not only had I not been in a relationship for a few years, I hadn’t been on a halfway decent date in a few years.  I couldn’t shake the image of Neo right after he is released from the Matrix.  He lies motionless on a table because he’s never moved his muscles before.  My fear was that I was on the way to becoming relationally atrophied.

I set up profiles on a few dating websites, paid the outrageous fees, and dove in.  Since then I have been on dozens of first dates, a decreasing number of second dates and even less good dates.

Hopefully, I’m a good date.  I pick a fun place, ask her a lot of questions about herself, and even pay. I’ve found that some girls know how to be a good date, and some girls don’t.  If you’re a bad date, I’ll do my best to be respectful and get through it.  If you are a good date, you’ll have the chance for another free meal soon.

It’s shocking to me how so many people can be such bad dates.  It really just boils down to look nice, act nice, be interesting and be clear. Doing these four things doesn’t guarantee you’ll hit it off, but you up your chances.

1.  Look Nice. Let me be clear: I’m NOT saying you have to look hot, or stress out about getting ready.  Do the little bit of work it takes to bring attention to your best features.  I went out with one girl whose best feature was amazing, thick blonde hair.  Her hair looked great, so I didn’t even think about the fact that she was in jeans and a t-shirt.  I went out with another a girl was pretty disheveled.  Maybe that’s some Austin hipster value of hers, but it came off as not trying.

2.  Act Nice. There’s a lot of work before the date.  There are hours spent building a perfect profile, and  weeks of correspondence before you go out.  Yet you can sabotage it all by being a jerk.  One way to be a jerk is to show up late.  Another way is to cut things abruptly short without explanation.  If this a blind or online date you can wreck a date by being overly flirtatious.  More than anything, just be present.  Put your brain and phone on airplane mode. Whatever you do, don’t start using your budding psychotherapy skills to diagnose my problems.  (We’ll save that for a future worst dates ever post.)

3.  Be Interesting.  Being interesting doesn’t mean that you’ve traveled the world to steal statues from ancient burial grounds. (Although if you have done that, I would happily buy you dinner.)  Interesting people are reasonably self confident and can tell about their lives in a meaningful way.  Rather than talking about hating your job or why how your family is such a mess, tell a story that captures those experiences.

BEWARE talking about your job.  You spend 40+ hours a week there, so I’m sure it is interesting to you, but I don’t know what you’re talking about.  Stay positive.  My first ever online date wrecked it by spending the whole time talking about things she hated.

More than anything, interesting people are also interested. One girl I went out with had a fascinating story about an unorthodox way that her and her family travel and do life. But she didn’t ask anything about me.  Occasionally, I would try to interject with a similar story about myself.  This simply gave her time to catch her breath and keep talking about herself.

4. Be Clear.  Us guys are really dense.  If you’re interested, flirt a little and make it clear you want to go out again.  If you’re not, make that clear, too.  Yes it’s awkward, but not nearly as much as blowing a guy off when he tries to follow up.

Just being a good date doesn’t guarantee a successful date.  But I can promise you that if you’re not a good date, you’ll never have a successful date.

What would you add?  What, in your experience, makes for a good date?

 

In Growth, Life , ,
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I Am 29 Years Old?

Chris —  April 3, 2011

While contemplating the move to Austin 5 years ago I took a composition notebook and a Bible into the woods and wrote a five year plan.  It talked about who I would become.  The things I would accomplish.  They were big dreams of starting grand ventures and writing and a family.

It was a good plan.

A less cynical person might describe the past five years as “learning experiences.” More than anything, it feels like a series of false starts. My life doesn’t look much like the man in the composition notebook.

I am 29 years old today.  It’s not a milestone like next year will be.  It’s more of a reminder that next year is coming, and some of the hopes in that notebook remain unfulfilled.

Yet every day I become more determined to make this year count.  Granted there have been some scrapes, but too much time has been spent licking wounds.  I’d like to claim that by this time next year things will be different.  But that has the familiar ring of the disappointed composition notebook.

Instead, this year must be about charting a new course, while being faithful to serve wholeheartedly where I am at.

In Life , , ,
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I Finally Met Henri Nouwen

Chris —  March 30, 2011

I’m not sure how I’ve gotten this far in life without having read the works of Henri Nouwen. Now that I’ve finished Spiritual Direction I have high hopes of devouring much more of his wisdom.

Nouwen (1932-1996) is what you’d call a “pastor’s pastor.”  He served as a Catholic priest, a teacher at Harvard and Yale, and most notably, as a caretaker for those with severe handicaps in a L’Arche community.  Despite his considerable success Nouwen struggled his entire life with a true sense of vocation, sexuality and depression.  He is most known for books like Wounded Healer, and his focus on the scriptural image of the Prodigal son.

Spiritual Direction is a collection of essays, speeches and notes published posthumously.  They deal with the deep questions that must be answered in order to listen to and follow God’s call.  Along the way, he shares about his own struggles.  Probably the most powerful are his thoughts on the “spirituality of the body,” where he shares about his struggle to commit to God amidst questions of vocation, aging and sexuality.

It’s hard to capture why it’s important to read Nouwen, so I’ll leave it with this quote:

“For most of my life I have struggled to find God, to know God, to Love God.  I have tried hard to follow the guidelines of the spiritual life…and avoid the many temptations to dissipate myself.  I have failed many times, but always tried again, even when I was close to despair.

Now I wonder whether I have sufficiently realized that during all this time God has been trying to find me, to know me, and to love me.  The question is not “How am I to find God?” but “How am I to let myself be found by God?”

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I Didn’t Choose to Be Stuck in Pre-Adolescence…

Chris —  February 21, 2011

“What explains this puerile shallowness? I see it as an expression of our cultural uncertainty about the social role of men. It’s been an almost universal rule of civilization that girls became women simply by reaching physical maturity, but boys had to pass a test. They needed to demonstrate courage, physical prowess or mastery of the necessary skills. The goal was to prove their competence as protectors and providers. Today, however, with women moving ahead in our advanced economy, husbands and fathers are now optional, and the qualities of character men once needed to play their roles—fortitude, stoicism, courage, fidelity—are obsolete, even a little embarrassing.”

Where Have the Good Men Gone – Wall Street Journal

Agree?  Disagree?  Insulted?

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