I spend a lot more time than I am proud of feeling sentimental, or more specifically, regretful. I think about things in my life that have come and past. I wish I had done things differently, miss the way they used to be, or just get overwhelmed by the feelings of melancholy.
One of the lines that keeps bringing me back to John Mark McMillan’s song “How He Loves” is “I don’t have time to maintain these regrets”. McMillan nails the problem on the head. Regrets require maintenance. And I don’t have the time and energy to let them take up that much time in my life.
However, I am incurably sentimental. And I don’t think that’s a bad thing. Perhaps the key is learning to be thankful for the me I used to be. For instance:
Growing up I was the awkward comic book loving kid without many friends, but he learned what a good friend books could be.
From Middle School throughout college I spent most of my time dedicated to choir. I had a lot of fun, and I learned that blending and harmony are neccesary for successful relationships.
Much of my identity is rooted in my experiences in the Church of Christ and at Harding University. I learned to love Jesus, to take my Bible seriously, and be skeptical of religious institutions. The shortcomings of the Churches of Christ-their inability to transition into the twentyfirst century, and their abandonment of all other believers-has made me intensely aware of the need for a missional movement that re-presents the Christ’s Church to the west. And I’m thankful for that.
Much of my life has been spent wrestling with depression. Yet that has taught me that I must learn to look beyond my momentary myopia.
I’m thankful for my punk rock days, because I’ve learned that outspoken cynicism is just prophecy without hope of resurrection.
I’m thankful for my megachurch days, because they showed me that there are good people, who choose to follow Jesus in a different way than I do.
The past, or maybe even current, me is the me of “isolation,” who is learning who he is when he doesn’t have much to take pride in.
When I look at this list, I don’t see me so much as scenes in a montage, in the story that gotten from there to here. These are the me I used to be. And without them, I’d never become the me I will someday be.
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